From the time we’re children, we are taught to share, to be kind, to include others, to be mindful of people around us. And those are all important and valuable life skills that help us become good human beings.

 But what happens when we don’t want to share our toys? Or we don’t want to let someone else onto the swing that we’re swinging on? Or we get grumpy because we didn’t want to go to that restaurant for dinner? Likely the answer we hear is that “we are selfish” We must share. We’re unkind. We can’t always have what we want.

 The lesson that comes from this is that prioritizing our own wants and needs is not important. From the time we’re children, it gets ingrained in our beliefs that other people’s comfort and desires should come before our own.

Why It’s Important to Be Selfish

As we grow, many of us continue down this path of always putting other people’s wants first. Though this can be a truly remarkable characteristic for some, for others, it can become a problem. 

You’ve heard it all before: mothers run themselves ragged, always putting their children’s and family’s needs above their own. Employees become burnt out after being available for their bosses 24/7. Individuals become resentful when they always go out of their way for their friends, but their friends don’t reciprocate. Husbands are told “happy wife, happy life” and feel they must do everything to please their wives “or else.”

 When people consistently deny themselves what they want or need in favor of pleasing others, they end up being unhappy and resentful. They may become bitter when they feel that others aren’t as giving as they are or that their needs aren’t being met. The stress this puts on an individual is unhealthy and can lead to many mental and physical ailments.

 When your own mental or physical health warrants being selfish, you need to learn to prioritize yourself. As an individual recovering from addiction, this may seem counterintuitive. After all, you were probably told countless times that you were selfish because all you cared about was getting high. You were selfish for not wanting to quit drinking for your family. Once again, the idea that selfishness is a bad thing was reinforced. 

Learning to Prioritize You

Now that you’re sober and working through recovery, you need to retrain your thinking to acknowledge that sometimes, being selfish is ok. Sometimes, it is necessary.

 Recovering from a substance use disorder is no easy feat. It requires a lot of hard work, persistence, and dedication. As we know, a key component to rehabilitation is working on bettering yourself. 

As you work through recovery and learn to navigate your sober life, you’ll need to learn when to take a step back and prioritize yourself. If a situation or a person is taking too much of a toll on your mental health, it can cause excess stress and trigger a relapse. This is when being selfish is not a bad thing, but rather, it can help maintain your sobriety and even save your life. Some important things to remember as you learn to be selfish and prioritize you:

Take inventory of your needs and wants. On a regular basis, you should assess your needs and wants. Are they being met? Are there certain things that are more important to maintain good mental health? Can you do anything or make any changes that would allow these things to take place? It may not always be possible. You may not be able to take that vacation this year, buy that new car right now, or take two hours a day to yourself to play video games. However, there might be certain things you can do that would be a close second or to help get you to that ultimate goal. The important part is to be self-aware and to be in control of those decisions.

Make time for yourself to do things that you enjoy and reduce stress. If you need to calendar this into your schedule, do it! Whether it’s one day per week, one hour per week, or 20 minutes per day, the important part is that you schedule time for yourself to refocus and refresh.

Learn to say no. This is such a hard thing for people to do that there have been countless self-help books written about it. But the truth is, when you are constantly saying yes to everyone – to every event, every request, everything – you become overwhelmed and, once again, triggered. It’s ok to say no once in a while. Most people will understand, and in those off chances someone gets offended, well, then they probably aren’t worth your well-being.

Don’t feel guilty. What can be even harder is not feeling guilty about being selfish. The only way to get past that is to know that it’s normal to feel that way but also to know that it will get easier with time. Your recovery and your well-being are nothing to feel guilty about. You will be a better parent, child, friend, employee, a better person once you learn to prioritize YOU.